It has been a minute since I’ve woken up at an ungodly hour with the urge to write. But somehow here I am at 5 am on Thursday morning aggressively typing away on my keyboard about the beautiful union that is also known as marriage.

As a girl growing up in the 90s, the ultimate goal of getting married was often sold to us through the movies we watched, the music we listened to and the conversations in the hallways. All the Hallmark movies always pointed to the fairytale wedding, but never how to maintain it.

So I did some research, talked to other married couples and scoured the Internet to find out what the experts had to say. And this is what I found.

Say sorry

Even in the most heated moments. Reset the urge to hold a grudge and learn how to forgive and forget quickly. This may be easier said than done, but understand that if you will be spending your life with someone you are going to have ongoing moments where shit will hit the fan. And in those moments learning how to put your ego aside is going to be the best thing you can do for your relationship.

Learn how to communicate 

All couples communicate differently. Learning what works for your relationship/marriage is going to be a key factor in determining its longevity. Be supportive of their goals and endeavours and make room for your partner to express their opinions in a safe space. 

Find ways to have fun together

Look everyone talks about the serious elements of maintaining a healthy marriage/relationship. But I often feel as though we gloss over the fact that life will constantly throw curveballs in your face and in the moments when everything is somewhat calm. You need to leverage those moments and create memories that matter. Whether that means jumping out of a plane together or going to a pottery class and finding out neither of you has artistic qualities. 

Don’t settle for stagnancy 

There might be time periods when your relationship/marriage may get stagnant. However instead of letting it get to the ‘that’s just how things are’ stage, take ownership and acknowledge the elephant in the room. Once the elephant is acknowledged, actively work together to slowly move out ‘roommate’ phase and recognise that it might take some time to do so. Withhold from jumping to conclusions and give your partner grace. 

Argue respectfully 

I’m a fire sign and sometimes arguing comes naturally to me. However, over the past years, I have learned to acknowledge this unhealthy trait and actively cut back on disagreements. Of course, I’m only human and in no capacity a perfect one. 

But if there is one hill I will die on, it is the fact that all relationships will have arguments at some point. Learning how to argue respectfully without ripping apart your partner is the key to moving past all of those heated moments. 

Have regular check-ins 

At work, you will often have weekly, bi-weekly or monthly check-ins with your boss to see how you are tracking against certain projects. And relationships such as marriage should be no different. While they don’t have to be as formal, they definitely require regular checkpoints to make sure both of you are aligned with each other. They can take place on a monthly basis over a warm coffee on Sunday morning or in a therapist’s office behind closed doors.