Meet Zoya D’Souza

As a kid I was always asked if I was privileged enough to have one super-power, what would it be? Most kids would say the ability to fly, be invisible and one rather disturbing boy wanted to be huge so that he could hold the universe in the palm of his little chubby hands and eat it. To be fair, I was really impressed and decided if there ever was a time where I wanted to seek vengeance against the canteen lady for not giving me my 50cents worth of candy, that boy would be my sidekick.

Ask any adult today if they believe they possessed any super-powers and they will judge you harder than the crazy cat lady down the street. But truth it we do. It’s the ability to imagine. Now before you roll your eyes and start getting cynical about how corny this is, hear me out. Our ability to imagine gets us places.

You know that mind numbingly boring meeting that you never wanted to attend in the first place? In my mind I’m in Hawaii drinking a Banana Pina Colada out of a coconut with one of those colourful umbrellas, working on my already existent tan. As a side note I should probably mention that I never tan evenly. Which is why I’ve had to deal with the lifelong battle of finding the right foundation, one shade will have me feeling like Queen Bee , whilst the other will cause the rest of me to look like a piece of burnt wood. The struggle is real.

Ever gotten on a train on a stormy day only to have it delayed while you’re still in it? There is nothing worse than having a bunch of angry and overworked employees squished together in a tin can of carriage. In my mind however I am already crafting a life together with Channing Tatum and our two kids, Eleanor and Paige. All I’m saying is if I woke up one glorious morning after a coma and found out that Channing Tatum was my husband, I would nod calmly whilst withholding the need to do a fan girl squeal and pretend to come to terms with it. Heck, I’d probably knock myself out into a coma if that meant I could sit there in his warm muscular embrace with a glass of wine and a chocolate donut or two, or maybe a dozen?

Moving on, in an alternate universe if I wasn’t busy doing me and passionately pursuing my life long goal of trying every type of alcohol there is within a 500m radius of me, this is who I’d be. Meet Zoya D’Souza. The carefree Indian American whose aim would be to explore all the places that don’t exist on Pinterest or Tumblr and try all the try local dishes without living in fear of ever experiencing a Delhi Belly. Of course this would possibly result in health issues down the road, but do you think she’d care? Hell no.

She’d be the type of person who’d be fine not knowing where her next pay check would come from and would most likely end up on your newsfeed as one of those people who paid strangers money to hear their story. The type who’d survive on Ramen noodles and the McDonald’s dollar value menu if she had to and due to extremely high metabolism would still end up looking like a Victoria’s Secret Model . To sum it up, Zoya would essentially be the complete opposite of me if I was to exist in some alternate universe, where we had cotton candy for clouds.

10 things Zoya would do that I would never in a million years consider doing:

Invent her own language in hopes that it would catch on and someday become as universal as English is today.
She’d adopt a pet turtle and name him Yoda because dogs are too mainstream.
She’d visit Starbucks so she could people watch and use that as inspiration for her next article.
Her wardrobe would look like a rainbow exploded inside of it because we all know bright colours have the power to change a person’s mood. Also she’d have to be ready in the event that she was walking down the street and Brandon from Humans of New York decided to photograph her.
She’d attend fancy dinner parties and sneak out with bun rolls in her clutch, regardless of the quality of the food.
She’d take Yoda out for a walk and observe people’s reactions as part of some kind of social experiment.
She’d rock bright yellow gumboots with floral print, no matter what the season. No she wouldn’t care if Vogue says gumboots are ‘so not in anymore’.
She’d be dramatic about anything and everything in case Steven Spielberg happened to be in the same Dunkin Donut joint as her and was looking for a new lead in his latest movie. It was New York after all.
She’d go to an NBA game, wear the Knicks jersey whilst cheering for the Celtics just to confuse the fuck outta people.
She’d order a fake FBI badge off Ebay and use it to her advantage. This could later result in severe criminal charges being held against her, but do you think she’d care? Hell no.

At the end of the day being realistic ensures you get from A to Z, however being imaginative allows you to create a life as Amy Schumer’s badass best friend. I know which option I’d choose.